09/07/07
The Rambling Man has received an enormous amount of mail (both e and snail) concerning the regularly scheduled editorial commentary aspect of the Friday Ramble known as “Ask the Rambling Man”, but I have decided to go ahead and do it anyway. So, dear readers, without further ado (wouldn’t you have to have been adoing for a while in order for the adoing you are wanting to continue with to be considered “further” ado? And if that is the case, what was it I was adoing?) the Friday Ramble is proud as punch to present the newest installment of “Ask the Rambling Man”.
The mailbag is overflowing this week so I think I will just reach down deep and see what we come up with. Ah, here’s a good one.
Dear Rambling Man, I am writing to you because I don’t know where else to turn. I have a problem I feel only you can help me with. I suspect that my husband, Frank, has been watching pornographic movies lately. I can always tell because he gets strange and kinky ideas about sex whenever he sees those movies. He makes bizarre requests like wanting both of us to actually take off ALL of our clothing at the same time, and then leaving the lights ON. I hesitate to even write about it, but as another example of just how creepy he gets, about six weeks ago, the last time we made love, he actually tried to have me get on top. I am ashamed to admit it, but in order to keep him from becoming furious I almost did. I am glad to say, however, I was not coerced into debasing myself just for the sake of his sordid satisfaction, and remained in the traditionally acceptable missionary position, eyes closed and teeth clenched, doing my wifely duty. My husband has been hinting for months that we should invite another woman to join us in bed. We have never done anything like that before and I don’t know why he would suddenly want to now. Besides, we only have a regular size bed and I don’t think there would be enough room for everyone to sleep comfortably with another person joining us. I am writing to you because I am too embarrassed to confide in anyone else. Please, Rambling Man, tell me what to do. Sincerely, Agatha
Dear Agatha, It sounds to me like your husband may be suffering from a malady not uncommon in men who have been married for several years. Contrary to a heinous rumor I was once a student, NOT a patient, of some of the greatest psychiatric physicians in the world, and my ongoing investigation into the human psyche has given me insight into many of the deep, dark recesses of the mind of man. While there is no English nomenclature for your husband’s psychological perversion; the literal Latin translation is E Pluribus Lackanookie. There are a wide variety of possible cures for this affliction, but what you have told me in your letter indicates that a treatment devised by the Dean of the Harvard School of Phallus-Maximus, Dr. Ronald Jeremy, may be just what your husband needs to straighten him out and keep him that way. It is a well known fact that during their pre-adolescent years most young boys are deprived of much needed companionship due to societal taboos. It is not socially acceptable for boys to have slumber parties and pajama parties, while girls of the same age are encouraged to do so. I feel it is because your husband was deprived that he is now depraved. Your husband merely needs a little extra companionship to make him feel socially accepted, so this is what I recommend that you do. The next time he brings up the subject of being in bed with two women at the same time surprise him by saying it is fine with you just as long as you aren’t one of them. Since this is not what he will expect to hear it is likely he will seem very confused. Do not be concerned, it is quite normal for men to be bewildered by most things women say. Explain to him that since your bed is so small you would feel uncomfortably crowded in those circumstances and that you would rather not be included. Tell him to invite anyone he wants for a slumber party, but when he does you will be staying in a nearby hotel because otherwise you don’t feel you would be able to get any sleep. Believe me; he needs to do this to get it all out of his system, so to speak. It is imperative that you do not show the slightest hesitation or concern when you leave to go to the hotel. If he senses you are not in full agreement he will become suspicious and won’t enjoy the evening as much as he otherwise would, and if he does not enjoy it his ego, not to mention he libido, will not benefit from it. You will also need to keep in mind that he may actually need to do this more than once. It may take him several times over the next few years before he will realize your bed is just too small for three people to sleep comfortably. Only then will he be able to come to his senses and not feel he has missed out on something in life. When he does I am sure he will be very grateful to you for your caring patience. It is entirely possible he will occasionally revert to his old feelings of insecurity and want to start having slumber parties again. The worst thing you could do is prevent him from doing so. After a short time I am sure he will once again realize how little sleep he gets when he insists on crowding three people in a bed made for only two. According to Dr. Ronald Jeremy’s thesis on the subject titled, “Eventually It Will Get Sore”, and I quote, “No man can keep it up forever, and no woman will be satisfied unless he tries”. I interpret this to mean your husband will eventually tire of trying to keep up with having two women in bed with him at the same time, and you will not be satisfied with the results until he does. I am sure this form of treatment is exactly what your husband needs to make him the happy and satisfied man every good wife wants her husband to be. And in the future, when he asks how you were so wise to let him satisfy his needs you can tell him in all honesty, “The Rambling Man said it was okay”. Only then will he realize exactly how intelligent you really are.
Well, dear readers, as I am sure you will agree, I think I have prescribed exactly what that man needs to be the happy husband we all want him to be. While he will very likely spread the word to all of his friends that if they ever find themselves in a similar situation all they need to do is have their wives contact The Rambling Man for advice, I am sure he will give a lot of credit to his wife, as well, for being smart enough to do what The Rambling Man told her to do. Imagine what a wonderful world it would be if all women were smart enough to do what The Rambling Man to them to do.