09/14/07
The last time you were thumbing through the latest copy of your “adult toy catalog” did you bother to actually stop and read the descriptions they have for that stuff, or did you do like I usually do and just look at the pretty pictures? Tell you what, go get yours right now and we’ll read it together. Go ahead, I’ll wait here.
The one I will be reading from today is an actual, no-kidding, real life catalog that can be viewed on the internet. If any of you want the URL for this site just let me know and I’ll send it to you. I know some of you are wondering, “Why doesn’t he just give it to us in the Friday Ramble? Well, by now you should all know that the Friday Ramble is not meant to provide pornographic pictures or elicit sexual sensations. The Friday Ramble is above all of that. And then there’s that thing about The Rambling Man not wanting to be thrown in the slammer for purveying porn on the internet without a license. If you want to read that kind of stuff you’ll have to search until you find it on the internet just like every healthy 11 year old American boy does. By slowly reading the detailed descriptions of some of the objects that are for sale in the catalog I have come (pun fully intended) to realize that if you just block out the proposed uses for the items you can begin to see them in a whole different way than you might have previously. Of course, picturing a dildo as anything other than a dildo requires a Rambling Man-like mind, and I am pretty sure none of you would want to deal with having one of those. I’ve had to for years and I don’t particularly like it, but then I don’t have much choice in the matter, do I?
The first item we shall read about comes (there I go again) from the catalog category “Tease & Please”. It appears to be a device which is meant to conceal its intended use.
Lipstick Vibe
$22.00
This mini massager can be
easily concealed in a purse or pocket. It is a fun accessory that every girl
needs.
And if every girl needs one, every girl should have one. What I’m wondering is, what do you girls do when you are in the lady’s room “freshening up” and your concealed vibrator accidentally comes on while you’re applying the lipstick? How do you explain to your date why you have a streak of bright red running from your upper lip, over your nose and across your forehead? Come on, girls, everybody knows you all carry “fun accessories” around with you, so why bother trying to make it look like what it isn’t?
It’s time to move on to the “Relax to the Max” section of the catalog. There we will find items intended to bring about tranquil, pleasant peace of mind. And who doesn’t enjoy a good peace now and then? Our next item is
Coochy (8 oz)
$15.00
Say goodbye to razor burn
forever with this phenomenal, unisex shave lotion. Coochy is a rash-free
conditioning shave cream for all parts of the body. It softens skin and hair for
a smooth shave every time. Coochy also serves as a great cream rinse for your
hair. Now available in a special 8 ounce size to prepare skin for the summer. (8
oz)
Talk about telling it like it is. This stuff is named after exactly what it is supposed to be used on. That’s like guys having a can of shave cream called “Scrotum”. Oh, wait a minute; Coochy is “unisex” so guys can use it too. Okay, all you guys out there. I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in the locker room at the gym after you’ve just had a really good workout, grunting and sweating while you were pumping iron. All the other guys are standing around belching and farting and snapping rolled up towels at each other’s bare butts. In other words, you’re doing all those things women think we do in the locker room. You’re standing at a sink in front of a mirror so you can shave, when you reach into your shaving kit and whip out your “Coochy”. Just how fast do you think all the other guys in the locker room are going to get dressed and the hell out of there? I don’t care how cute it sounds; we should never name something after a body part it is to be used on. On the other hand, I can see nothing wrong with you ladies referring to your Coochy as your Burma Shave.
If there is “Coochy”, then it stands to reason there should probably be
Coochy Protection Mist (4 oz)
$11.00
Fantastic protection from
every day friction such as jeans, bathing suit bottoms, and rough surfaces.
Spray on the mist and it will form a barrier to safely prevent irritation to
sensitive areas on your body. The perfect compliment to our coochy rash free
shave cream.
Because, heaven knows, you guys wouldn’t want your freshly Coochy-shaved chin irritated by the everyday friction of some girl’s bathing suit bottom, now would you?
Moving on to the “Bedroom Accessories” page of the catalog we find everything one could possibly want to accessorize the bedroom, and then some. Rather than selecting just one or two items from this section I am just going to give you the names of several and let your imaginations take it from there. I promise you, dear readers, these are actual names of actual “Bedroom Accessories”. First we have the “Beginner’s Bunny” and the “Bullet Blaster”. I think there is a warning on the packages to not use both of those at the same time. Then there are the “Dolphin Delight”, “The Hummer”, “The Kwistal Wabbit” (a tribute to Elmer Fudd, no doubt), “The Quiver”, “The G-Wiz”, the ever popular “Mr. Dependable”, and what “Bedroom Accessories” page would be complete without everyone’s favorite, “The Double Header”. Apparently, according to their descriptions, “The Pocket Rocket”, “Finger Fun”, and “The Sugar Spoon” have all been made waterproof. I am guessing that’s so you can put your “Rocket” in your “Pocket” while you’re in the shower, right? There are two other things on the “Bedroom Accessories” page that I am just not too sure about. The first is a rather large item called “The Triple Treat”. Let’s all stop for a moment and think about that. “The Triple Treat”. I’m sorry, but try as I might I just can’t imagine what something called “The Triple Treat” might be used for, or on, or in for that matter, can you? The final item on this page is a pair of leopard skin “Remote Control Panties”. Guys, imagine the fun you could have if your wife had on a pair of “Remote Control Panties” and you had the “Remote Control” while, oh let’s say, you’re doing the weekly grocery shopping. How entertaining would it be to see how long you could make her stand, slack jawed with a distant, vacant expression on her face while the bagboy keeps repeating, “Paper or Plastic?”
On the “Spice it Up” page we find something called
Like A Virgin
$15.50
Make it feel like the
first time, every time! Like a Virgin is a 24-hour tightening cream that will
make sex more pleasurable. Just apply, wait 15 minutes, and you will both enjoy
the tighter sensations. (0.5 oz)
My question is, if this stuff makes her get smaller, wouldn’t it do the same to him, too?
I know whenever I think “versatility” I think of
Anal Eaze
$8.00
This is probably the most
versatile item we offer. Anal Eaze is a flavored desensitizing gel with
benzocane. That means it can be used on scrapes, cuts, sores, tooth aches and
more! Of course, it also can be applied 15 minutes before anal intercourse to
ease discomfort. (0.5 oz)
Damn, that stuff’s better than Bactine. I can’t wait till I get a toothache so I can squirt some “Anal Eaze” in my mouth. It doesn’t say what “flavor” it is, but I’m betting it isn’t cherry. I would discuss two other items on that page named “Lickity Stiff” and “Good Head”, but that would be redundant.
The next page in the catalog is titled, “Enhance the Romance” and there you will find
52 Sex Positions
Cards
$14.00
Whether you want to teach
an old dog new tricks or learning for the first time, 52 Sexual Positions flash
cards aim to please. Flip a card over and see step by step instructions that are
easy to follow and definitely fun to practice.
I had no idea there even were 52 positions. I may get a deck of those cards so I can learn the other 49. The last time I used flash cards I was learning the multiplication tables, but this sounds like a lot more fun. They even give “step by step” instructions. Probably something like “You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about…”
Fantasy Bondage
Tape (Reuseable)
$10.00
This non-stick tape holds
firmly to itself for a safe, comfortable bondage experience. It is easily
removable and can be reused
I’m thinking the Duct Tape people ought to pay attention to that “reusable” part. But, wouldn’t “non-stick tape” be an oxymoron?
The last page of merchandise in the catalog is “Novelties and Gag Gifts” which is obviously incorrect because they didn’t have a ball gag, open mouth gag, medical gag, or pony-bit gag anywhere on that page, and I looked because I’ve been needing one. This is, however, the page where you will find the traditional “Penis Shaped Cake Pan” (creamy filling is optional), edible panties and jock straps, and the ever-popular “Glow in the Dark Condom” for people who turn out all the lights and watch it disappear, watch it re-appear, watch it disappear, watch it re-appear. There is “Penis Shaped Lipstick” where the lipstick is actually shaped like a penis. I’m thinking the folks who make “Penis Shaped Lipstick” ought to join forces with the people who make the “Lipstick Vibe”. It seems like a perfect fit to me. The description of the “Penis Shaped Lipstick” actually says it “comes in many colors”. I don’t think I need to go any further with one that’s that blatant, do I?
Even with all of the strange and bizarre items for sale in this catalog. Despite Pina Colada flavored anal lubricants, chairs that let you hang from the ceiling while you’re having sex with “up to 6 partners at once”, and a vibrating dildo that’s disguised as a pack of Lifesavers, there is one item that stands out from the rest as the most disgusting, repulsive, perverted, revolting and sickening thing I have ever seen. Anyone who would even consider having anything to do with something like this should be locked up and the cell door welded shut. For once, in the entire history of the Friday Ramble, I am hesitant to tell my readers about such an abomination. But, you have the right to know just how deeply sick some people in this world are. I will let the catalog description of this object of perversion speak for itself
|
|
I apologize to my readers for exposing them to such incredible filth. To think there are people in this world who would actually find something like that to be “hilarious” is beyond my comprehension. Not to mention that “This cute little sheep actually has a hole in her rear for those kinky guys”. The mental picture of that “hole in her rear” being abused by a “kinky guy” haunts my every waking moment. And what’s worse, I have heard sordid rumors that there are women who find pleasure in “playing” with this poor, inflatable beast. I assure you, no sane, rational woman would do such a thing, which should give you some idea of the type of woman who would.
As you have seen, there are “toys” by the score and “paraphernalia” galore, all designed to enhance, prolong, diversify, expand and contract the sexual experience. With all of those things at their disposal, why oh why would anyone want to get “kinky” with an innocent little “Blow Up Sheep”?