11/03/06
“For anyone out there in the viewing audience who doesn’t instantly recognize me because they are visiting from a planet outside our solar system, I’m Oprah Winfrey. Today’s show is one of my all-time favorites because we are going to pull a prank on an old friend of mine. She’s just on the other side of this door and she has no idea I am here. So, stay tuned because right after the commercial I’m going to spring the surprise of her life on this dear old friend of mine. We’ll be right back.”
Cut to the other side of the door…
“Okay, okay, everybody in the audience can stop dancing now. That’s it sit down and let’s get quiet because today’s show is going to be a very special one. Even though I am sure none of you will be impressed, I am Ellen DeGeneres and this is my show, “Ellen”. They named it after me so everyone would know it’s my show. On the other side of this door is an old friend of mine who has no idea I am here. Today I am going to give her the surprise of her life right here on “Ellen”. We’ll pull this prank as soon as we get back from my sponsors trying to sell you something. Please, please stay tuned, we’ll be right back after this commercial message.”
Cut to a scene of a “doctorly” looking man dressed in a white lab coat holding up a box with some illegible writing on it. He dramatically removes his glasses and smiles into the camera.
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And now back to our show.
“You’re back with Oprah, but then you knew that as soon as you saw me. It’s time to go through this door and surprise one of my all-time favorite best friends. Here we go…
“Hi, in case you forgot I’m Ellen DeGeneres and this is still my show, “Ellen”. It’s time to go through this door and surprise an old friend of mine. Here we go…
“Ellen!”
“Oh, Oprah!”
Both women throw their arms around one another and hug as if they are close friends and actually like each other, even though they are talk-show rivals and this is the first time they have met.
“I’m sure you’re wondering what an extreme-ultra-mega-superstar like me is doing dropping in on your show.”
“No, Oprah, you’ve got it wrong. I’m dropping in on your show.”
“Wait a minute, I’m pulling a prank on you, Ellen.”
“Nope, Ope, the joke and prank are on you.”
Suddenly a young man who was standing just offstage comes out with a microphone in his hand.
“No, ladies, the prank is on both of you because I’m Ashton Kutcher and you’ve both been “Punk’d”. My crew set up this whole thing so we twenty-somethings could laugh at you old ladies. Isn’t that really funny? Don’t you think this is just hilarious? I do.”
Oprah turns to Ellen, grabs her by the hair and says,
“This is all your fault, you carpet muncher!”
“My fault? And who are you calling a carpet muncher you fat-ass homegirl?”
“ Oh no you di’int just call me fat in front of my audience, didju?”
“Oh yeah, well I bet my celebrity personal trainer can beat up your celebrity personal trainer.”
At that very moment Maury Povich steps from behind a curtain with a microphone in his hand.
“Not so fast, Ashton. This is actually my show, “Maury”, and we have allowed you to trick these two women just so my staff could trick you into being here today for one of my incredibly popular “Who’s Your Daddy?” shows. That’s right, we have conducted paternity testing on behalf of Demi Moore. Since we all read supermarket tabloids we know you two are an “item”. But, Demi Moore came to us with tears in her eyes and allowed us to test your love child’s DNA in an effort to see who the real father may be. We had to use the Rose Bowl to assemble all of the other possible fathers. At this very moment there is a crowd there that includes all the loverboys of Hollywood. All the big names are there, from Mickey Rourke to Mickey Mouse. All of them are breathlessly awaiting the results of our tests to see if they are off the hook. Bruce Willis has been excused for obvious reasons.”
A somber hush falls over the studio audience as Maury begins to open the fateful envelop. In the background a man who has a microphone in his hand stands up in the audience. The camera pans to a close up of his face.
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jerry Springer and the theme of today’s show is, “Just How Kinky Can a Guy Named Maury Be?”.
The studio audience begins chanting, “Jerry…Jerry…Jerry…”
Povich stops opening the envelop as Springer sticks the microphone in his face.
“Tell the audience, Maury. What’s that little secret you share with a certain young lady that you have been able to keep “under wraps” so to speak? That is, until now.”
Povich stammers and begins sweating profusely, a look of sheer terror on his face.
“Well, there’s no need for you to tell us because we happen to have the young lady in question here with us today.”
Springer turns to the curtain at stage left and says,
“Won’t you join us, young lady?”
The curtain is pulled back to reveal a diminutive woman dressed in black leather and chains. She has on six inch spike heeled, thigh-high boots. Her leather bodysuit is form fitting and low cut enough to fully expose small, yet perky, breasts. She is wearing a black leather mask which conceals her true identity, but through the eyeholes it is easy to see she is of distinctly Asian heritage. In her gloved right hand is a whip, and in her left is an apparatus which bears a striking resemblance to an enema bag. A very large enema bag.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mistress Konnie. She just happens to be a very good friend of Maury’s and she’s here today to tell us all about it.”
In the very last row of the audience Regis Philbin turns to Kelly Rippa and says,
“I don’t think we want to get involved in this after all.”
One week later…
“Today we have a panel of former talk show hosts who don’t seem to want to get along. I’m Dr. Phil and this is my show, “The Dr. Phil Show” starring Dr. Phil. We’ll see if we can find out just what happened during their childhood that has scarred them for life and caused them to resort to being talk show hosts in an effort to have guests whose lives are so totally screwed up it can’t help but make all of us feel better about ourselves by comparison. I’m sure I, Dr. Phil, can make these talk show hosts “get real” and get them talking again, at least to one another, right after a word from Dr. Phil’s sponsor here on “The Dr. Phil Show” starring Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil will be right back.