11/11/05
Some of you will remember from past Rambles that a few of my all-time favorite oxymorons have been things like “Rap Music”…”Postal Service”…”Military Intelligence”…etc. Well, I’ve just heard my new favorite oxymoron…”Hockey Highlights”.This, of course, is not to be confused with “Soccer Highlight”.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Did anyone ever ask you that when you were a kid? For that matter, has anyone asked you recently? Thinking back on all the jobs I’ve had in my life, I cannot remember ever wanting to do one of them when I was a kid. What I mean by that is, I never sat in my room and dreamt of one day being a mailman. Neither did I tell my junior high school guidance counselor that I wanted to be a vocational counselor for Veterans when I grew up. Like so many other people, I took the jobs I did because they seemed like a good idea at the time, or more likely because I just needed a job. The first thing I can remember wanting to be when I grew up was Hopalong Cassidy’s sidekick (writer’s note: Hopalong Cassidy, for those of you who are cowboy challenged, was a major western movie and TV hero in the 1940’s and 50’s). Both of Hoppy’s main partners (Gabby Hayes and Andy Clyde) were grumpy, cantankerous old curmudgeons who meant well, but were always stumbling into some kind of trouble which required Hoppy to come to their rescue. Hmmmm…grumpy old curmudgeon?? I may have finally grown into the part. Next I wanted to be a paleontologist (for those who may be paleo challenged, those are scientists who dig up and study dinosaur fossils) I’ve always loved monsters, the bigger and scarier the better, such as King Kong, Godzilla and Rodan, (which were, coincidentally, my nicknames for my three ex-mother-in-laws). So, it naturally followed that I would become interested in dinosaurs. These were real monstrous creatures that once upon a time roamed the earth either 20,000,000 or 5,000 years ago depending on whether you are either an intelligent, thinking human being or you live in Kansas. For a short period of my latter grade school days I wanted to be an astronaut. This was at the time the original members of the Mercury astronaut team were national heroes. An acute, and still present, case of acrophobia put a quick stop to that plan. (if you don’t know what acrophobia is you’ll just have to look it up, I don’t have time to explain everything). As I am sure many other young men did at the time, most of my junior high school days were spent daydreaming of one day becoming a Playboy photographer. And I will be honest with you. It wasn’t so I could read the articles. I actually went so far as to have my “bachelor pad” planned out. King sized bed with a mink bedspread. Adjustable lighting in the bedroom to point a spotlight and dim or brighten at the touch of a button. State of the art Hi Fi system (remember, this was only 1960). A record collection second to none to be played on the Hi Fi in the bedroom. A completely stocked bar in the bedroom. Hmmmm, now that I think about it I don’t remember planning any other room besides the bedroom. Go figure. I was going to spend my days snapping photos of gorgeous naked women and partying with Hef and the playmates at the mansion. To be honest, I don’t think I have completely given up on this one. By the time I reached high school I was deeply involved in sports. My goals had changed and I was aiming at becoming a professional basketball player. But, not just any run of the mill NBA star, mind you. I was going to be the first white Harlem Globetrotter. According to most of my teammates, and especially the coach I played for, my style of play naturally lent itself to the comedic clowning of the Globetrotters. Back then I took that as a compliment. Now I’m not so sure that’s the way they intended it. When I made it to college (the first time) I had come to the realization that my possibilities for making it in the NBA (much less the Globetrotters) were pretty slim. So, I changed my plans for the future again. I contemplated what it was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. I studied the things I thought I would enjoy doing until I reached a healthy old retirement age. Of all the possibilities I came up with there was only one which stood out among the rest. Porn star. So, I set out to learn the methods and techniques used in the films of that time. I studied hard (if you know what I mean). But then I realized, upon seeing my first John Holmes movie, that I just didn’t have what it took to make it in the porn industry. It was shortly after that that I dropped out of college (the first time) and ended up having to get a real job. No more daydreaming about fantasy careers. Now I was into the real thing. And that’s the way it’s been ever since. One job after another, but none of them have ever been like the ones I used to dream about. It’s been a long time since anyone has asked me what I want to be when I grow up. But, since I don’t plan to ever grow up completely, I guess I still have time to do some more daydreaming. I think I may look into the future possibilities of one day becoming a professional Friday Ramble writer.
Have a great weekend everyone, and a special Happy Birthday to my buddy, Charles "Tuna" Donnell...We miss you, Tuna
Dennis