02/23/07
Just a few random Ramblings this week…
Is there anything more terrifying to a pet owner than a Great Dane with diarrhea?
I have come up with what I consider to be a fair and equitable solution to the disposition of the body of Anna Nicole Smith. It seems her mother, her lawyer/boyfriend and another “former” boyfriend are all attempting to lay claim to her mortal remains (and with it some claim to her money, no doubt). Her body has been tied up in court (and I’m guessing that’s not the first time she’s been tied up) for weeks while these people wrangle over who gets to bury it. In what can be compared to the wisdom of King David, The Rambling Man suggests that her body be divided into three equal pieces. Her boyfriend/lawyer can have her left boob. The other boyfriend can have the right boob. And her mother can have the rest. I also think it would be a nice gesture if her brain were to be donated to science. That is, in the unlikely event one is actually found.
Let’s talk for just a moment about the first amendment to the US Constitution. It reads as follows…
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
As far as I can tell, Congress has yet to make a law “abridging freedom of speech”. In most cases “freedom of speech” is interpreted as freedom of many different forms of expression (i.e. in print, in speech, in films, etc.) The Constitution also names Congress as the governmental body that is supposed to be the one making the laws. If that is the case, might it be considered “unconstitutional” for the NCAA to make a rule prohibiting a university’s freedom of expression in the form of the school mascot? Isn’t the presentation of a mascot a form of expressing school spirit and pride? Where does the NCAA, or anyone else besides Congress for that matter, get off telling anyone how they can express school spirit? I am, of course, talking about the recent decision by the regents of the University of Illinois to cave in to the NCAA’s demands that the legendary U of I mascot, Chief Illiniwek, not be allowed to perform in public any more. It seems a small group of “Native Americans” finds the chief to be offensive to their ancestors. I’m not sure how they know their dead ancestors are offended, but it sounds to me like they may have been smoking something unusual in the peace pipe. The NCAA has made a law saying no school with an “offensive” mascot can display that mascot at sporting events or said university will not be allowed to participate in post-season tournaments. Universities make tons of money from their athletic teams participating in post-season tournaments. So, in effect, the NCAA is preventing schools from making money unless the schools abide by NCAA rulings on the propriety of mascots. They hit the schools where it hurts them the most, in the checkbook. There have been several other universities that also gave in to the NCAA demands. When I attended Southeast Missouri State University we were known as the Semo Indians. It has since been changed to the Semo Redhawks. I guess that won’t be offensive until someone who considers brightly colored birds to be politically incorrect steps forward. And once all the colleges are in line with political correctness it won’t be long before someone starts with the high schools. I went to high school in Collinsville, Illinois. Our mascot was a Kahok, which was taken from the ancient Cahokia Tribe that once inhabited that part of the country. It’s only a matter of time before somebody tries to change that. Then what? Will all of the old John Wayne movies be banned from TV because the Indians are referred to as “Indians”? Last Wednesday night, after a run of 80 wonderfully traditional years, Chief Illiniwek danced for the last time. In my estimation it was one more instance of our Constitutional right to freedom of expression also being danced on in the process.
Okay, now if you will give me a minute I’ll climb down off of my soapbox…
I want to thank all of my readers who have written in the past few weeks wanting to know how my Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Arnold is doing. He wanted me to tell everyone he has been very busy working on his next new invention: Hemp beer. It seems Uncle Snoop has discovered that since it is a vegetable cousin to hops, hemp can be used in the brewing process to give his beer that little extra kick he has been looking for. In fact, in Europe it is actually legal for hemp beer to contain .03 mg of THC. For all my readers who are wacky tobacky challenged, THC is the stuff that makes it all worthwhile. Imagine the convenience of being able to get drunk AND toasted all at the same time. That’s what I call killing two birds with one stoned (if you know what I mean). And it can give a whole new meaning to green beer for St. Patrick’s Day. Uncle Snoop and The Rambling Man have been trying to come up with viable names for his new product, and we think we have some winners. How about “Cannabeer” (get it?...Cannabis…Can of beer?)? Or maybe “Green Leaf Lager”? Uncle Snoop wanted to use the name “Bud”, but I told him that was already taken. “Mary Jane Brewski” was another we came up with, but I think I went to grade school with a girl by that name so we discarded it. Uncle Snoop thought of “Thai Stick Stout”. I liked “Reefer Refresher”. We also liked “Reefer Brau” and “Bionic Chronic Brew”. But, I think the one we both liked the most and the one we will probably go with is “Olde Bongwater”. For me it has a certain nostalgic feeling to it, and the "e" on the end of "Olde" gives it a classy look. Watch for it coming soon to a convenience store near you. As a sales gimmick we are not packaging “Olde Bongwater” in six-packs like other brews. We are packaging it in four-packs of twenty ounce bottles. We will advertise them as the “Four 20’s”. And also watch for our upcoming promotion. We will be including a coupon for a free bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and a dozen Hostess Twinkies in every four-pack.