03/11/05
I have always been an admirer of those who can sing. When I was a kid I wanted to be a rock and roll singer when I grew up. The only thing, I feel, that kept me from achieving that goal was a monumental lack of talent. Although that doesn’t seem to have stopped most of today’s rock performers. While I do give it a try from time to time, I am cognizant enough of that total lack of talent to be considerate of others by only performing when I am alone. Most people can carry a tune well enough to get through America the Beautiful or Happy Birthday, but they should leave it at that. A perfect example of what I am talking about can be witnessed at any bar which advertises “Karaoke Night”, but I have already discussed that in previous Friday Rambles.
Unfortunately, there are times when actual professional singers shouldn’t sing, and I have stumbled across several perfect examples. There is a website called “Miserable Melodies” (their motto is…”Recorded with good intentions…and bad results”) which gives several examples of why some people should leave the singing to others. What is really hilarious about this site is that you can actually listen to all the bad songs and judge them for yourself. Back in the days of American Bandstand, Dick Clark had a segment on that show called “Rate a Record” where he would play a new song and have two or three teenagers give their opinion of the song by giving it a numerical score and telling why they liked or disliked it (It has a good beat and it’s easy to dance to, I give it a 98). Now we can do the same thing on Miserable Melodies, only the ratings range from “not too horrible” to “bad” to “awful” and finally to “auditory torture”. Several of the offerings I have listened to thus far rank right up there in the “auditory torture” department, in my humble opinion.
Take for example Linda McCartney (Paul’s deceased wife) singing backup for “Hey Jude” during a live concert (back when she was still alive, of course). It is rumored she sang so badly they would usually just turn her microphone off during concerts (much like my buddies “PHINS” wisely do when I am playing and singing with them). On this website you can actually hear that they were right in turning her mic off. Just because you’re married to a Beatle doesn’t mean you should sing Beatle’s songs.
Other perfect examples of someone who should never have attempted singing are offered in several songs (?) performed by Yoko Ono. My particular favorite is one entitled “She Gets Down on Her Knees”. I will not go into what she does once she gets down there, you will just have to listen for yourself to find out (but I bet it isn’t what most of you are thinking right now). This is just one more perfect example of “Just because you’re married to a Beatle doesn’t mean…” well you get the idea.
Pat Boone was a pretty good singer in his time, even though most of his hits back then were covers of black singer’s songs. Does anybody else remember his version of “Speedy Gonzalez”? But, does Pat really think he has the vocal chops to get by with the rock classics like Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water” or Jimi Hendrix’s “The Wind Cries Mary”? Listen in and decide for yourself.
The Star Trek connection is in evidence as you can listen to both Leonard Nimoy mumble his way through “Proud Mary”, and to William Shatner mangle both “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man” and “Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds”.
I’m not sure what makes TV actors think they can, or need to, sing but plenty of them do on this website. Two wonderful examples of guys who could neither act nor sing are Burt Ward, who played Batman’s boy wonder Robin, singing something called “Wonder Boy”, and TV’s original Sgt. Joe Friday of Dragnet fame, Jack Webb who destroys the Otis Redding classic “Try a Little Tenderness”. Jack, you should have tried a little singing lesson.
Even politicians get in the act with Watergate’s Senator Sam Irvin drawling an incredibly bad rendition of Simon and Garfunkle’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, and former US Attorney General John Ashcroft’s horrendous singing of his own song “Let the Mighty Eagle Soar” is even worse than his political performance.
Ethel Merman could belt out a Broadway showstopper with the best of them, but I wonder who talked poor Ethel into doing a Disco version of “I Got Rhythm”? Oh, the humanity!
While there are dozens of hilariously bad songs you can listen to on this website, there are a couple that I had to disagree with.
The US Navy Steel Drum Band’s version of the Simon and Garfunkle hit “Mrs. Robinson” is a pretty good instrumental, and you have to agree that any branch of the military that has its own steel drum band can’t be all bad. I wonder if they do “Anchors Aweigh”?
I always thought the Irish Rovers singing “The Unicorn Song” was a pretty good folk song, but it is ranked as a bad one on this site. I don’t care, I still like it…
As I am sure you can all tell, I still have way too much time on my hands, but if you ever find yourself with a few minutes to kill just check out
and I bet you end up singing along…Hey, why not? You probably won’t be any worse than the actual singers.
Oh, there were green alligators and long necked geese, some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants as sure as you’re born, but the loveliest of all was the Unicorn…