06/09/06
The crack Friday Ramble investigative reporting team has just learned that, in an effort to bolster his sagging approval rating, President George W. Bush will be proposing amendments to the Constitution, the Ten Commandments and to the Magna Charta which will allow the US to place “Nucular Weapons” along our southern border in an attempt to prevent gay Mexican drug smuggling terrorists from illegally crossing our border in order to marry one another. Film at eleven…
Have you ever wondered where certain sayings and phrases came from? I mean, was Shakespeare really the first guy to say, “All’s well that ends well”, and what made him say it? How about, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles”? Or, “He was busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest”? Perhaps I’m strange (perhaps?), but I do sometimes think about such things, and have even gone so far as to research some of the origins of phrases. Take “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” for instance. From what I have been able to ascertain it has no attributable origin other than it first showed up in print sometime in the 1920’s and has come to be defined as “Expressing disappointment in reaching an undesired result, with the additional meaning that the result was not an unexpected one.” I also found it to be very interesting that our modern day equivalent to inevitable cookie crumbling is, “Shit happens”. It had never occurred to me that both phrases had basically the same meaning, but I guess they just had a nicer way of saying it back in the 20’s.
I was driving in a residential neighborhood the other day when I saw a man walking his dog. Now, I realize this is not a particularly unusual event; however there was more to it. The dog, a good sized Dalmatian, caught my attention because he was extremely energetic and walked with a certain bounce I had not seen displayed in a canine before. Then I realized why. He only had three legs. His left rear leg was completely gone all the way to the hip (do dogs have hips?) and to be able to walk he was forced to jump and bounce along in order for the single rear leg to be able to maintain the pace with the two up front. I was immediately taken by his total lack of caring that he was so handicapped. It did not slow him down one bit. He ran and bounced and played with his master with all the exuberance of a puppy. He was a true inspiration in that he had made the best of a not very good situation and he obviously loved going for three-legged walks. The dog was not encumbered by a leash so he would run (bounce) ahead of his master only to joyously return and run circles around him. This continued as they made their way along the sidewalk until the dog (in my mind I had named him “Tripod”) bounced several yards ahead of his master, stopping at a fire hydrant. He immediately did what most male dogs would do in just such a situation. He began to sniff the hydrant and worked himself into position to mark it with his scent (and I don’t mean spray it with perfume, if you know what I mean). Then something strange happened. Tripod had positioned himself in such a way that the hydrant was on his left side which meant he had no rear leg on that side to raise to complete the transaction. He moved his back half closer to the hydrant, then moved it away again. He seemed confused. He looked back in what appeared to be an attempt to figure out what might be wrong. He then made a complete turn so that the hydrant was now on his right side (if a dog can pee just as readily from either the right or left side, could he then be said to be ambidickstrous?). This, of course, then meant he did have a rear leg on that side to be able to raise. However, since he had no leg on the opposite side to balance on, had he attempted to raise his right leg to pee on the hydrant he would have fallen down. At least I am assuming so. Had he been able to actually raise his right leg to complete the task at hand I probably would have gotten out of my car and given him a standing ovation. After a moment’s hesitation Tripod once again looked back over his shoulder to assess the situation. He then looked up at his master with an expression on his face which could only have been interpreted as asking, “Now what?”
At that moment the driver of the car behind me showed that he did not have Tripod’s patience because he started honking for me to move on, which I did. At last sighting Tripod was still standing next to the hydrant trying to figure out how he was going to do what a dog is supposed to do at a moment like that. As I continued down the street it occurred to me that I had just witnessed what can only be considered one of the most frustrating situations a creature can encounter. And it also occurred to me that an appropriate saying for other such situations of extreme consternation might be, “He was as frustrated as a three legged dog in a fire hydrant factory”.
Remember, years from now when that phrase comes into common use, you heard it here first.