07/20/07
A side effect of all the time and energy The Rambling Man has been expending (although some would say “wasting”) lately in his ongoing effort to bring you, dear readers, the finest, high quality Friday Rambles your money can buy, has been an extended series of sleepless nights. Now, I know, someone of my advanced age needs to be more attentive to his health, but when it comes to the Friday Ramble I will not let a minor thing like sleep get in the way of bringing you, dear readers, the finest, high quality Friday Rambles your money can buy. What if Thomas Edison had chosen sleep over inventing the light bulb? What if Charles Lindbergh had chosen sleep over landing the Spirit of St. Louis in Paris? What if George W. Bush had chosen sleep over all of the drunken, drug-addled frat-boy partying he did in college? What if The Rambling Man decided to choose sleep over providing you, dear readers, with the finest, high quality Friday Rambles your money can buy? Our world would not be what it is today had those who have had such an influence on our lives chosen sleep over that which they accomplished. Providing my dear readers with the finest, high quality Friday Rambles their money can buy is an awesome responsibility, and one which I do not take lightly. For that reason, I decided, after a few weeks of getting as much as two or sometimes even three hours of sleep each night, to seek counsel from my family physician, Dr. Mary Jane Addiction. The Rambling Man realizes that may be an unfortunate name for a physician, but I assure you she is a first rate doctor. In fact, I have been going to her for medical treatment for so long you could almost say I am addicted to Addiction. Almost.
After explaining to the doctor that my grueling schedule of not only writing, but researching, interviewing, corroborating information, and single handedly publishing The Friday Ramble each and ever week for the past several years has left me drained of energy and in dire need of insomniatical relief. I explained that even though being The Rambling Man is not particularly physically strenuous, the insane amount of pressure and stress involved on a daily basis eventually takes its toll. Since she is an avid Friday Ramble fan she is well aware of the enormous amount of talent necessary to be as consistently hilarious as The Rambling Man. And, not wanting to endure the agony of being unable to read a Friday Ramble each week, simply because The Rambling Man was too tired to write one, was more than enough for her to concur with my diagnosis. Although she did want to know if I was exhibiting one particular symptom of sleep deprivation which would definitely make it very hard for me to provide my readers with the finest, high quality Friday Rambles their money can buy. She asked if I had noticed whether or not I had been repeating myself recently. Since I could not think of a single instance of recent repetition on my part I told her no. Unfortunately, the medication I requested that she prescribe as treatment for my malady is not what is considered to be “legal” in the hillbilly governed, extraordinarily backward, and not only exceptionally small, but exceedingly closed, minded state in which The Rambling Man resides, so medical marijuana was out of the question. But, hey, it was worth a try.
She then prescribed what she referred to as a “mild” sleeping pill. I wanted to ask her if it would still be considered “mild” if I was to take, let’s say 8 or 9 of them, but then I thought the outcome of such an experiment might be more meaningful if I just went ahead and did so and reported the results to her at a later date. As she handed me the prescription slip I thanked her on behalf of all my dear readers who would now be assured of being provided with the finest, high quality Friday Ramble their money could buy.
I may be wrong, but from the looks I received when I pulled up to the drive-through window of the local Walgreen’s pharmacy, they apparently don’t get many people driving through the drive-through on motorcycles. Since it would take a couple of hours for a highly trained, nationally licensed, university educated pharmacist to count 30 pills and place them in a little plastic bottle, I decided to go home and work on what would, no doubt, be yet another in a long line of the finest, high quality Friday Rambles my readers’ money could buy. A couple of hours later I obtained my prescription and returned home knowing in my heart that I now had the means by which I would, that very night, experience a deep, restful night’s sleep, thus insuring that when I awoke, refreshed and full of energy the next morning, I would be even more able than I had been in months to provide my readers with the finest, high quality Friday Rambles their money could buy.
Later that night I found myself to be weak and weary, as I pondered over some quaint, and curious volume of forgotten examples of some of the finest Friday Rambles my readers’ money could buy, so I decided it was high time (and with The Rambling Man isn’t it always HIGH time?) to ingest one of the sleeping pills Dr. Addiction had provided. As I attempted (for several minutes) to remove the “child-proof” cap I noticed “Warnings” printed on the side label of the small plastic container. They were a listing of possible “side effects” of this particular medication. The first “side effect” that was listed struck me as odd. Try, if you can, to imagine how completely bizarre something must be for The Rambling Man to consider it odd. The first possible “side effect” of my sleeping pills is “May cause drowsiness”. My question is this: If making one “drowsy” enough to fall asleep is the sole purpose for which one would take this medication, why in the world would “drowsiness” be considered a “side effect”? Drowsiness is the intent, not a “side effect”. I mean, I could readily understand if I were to take medication for, let’s say, uncontrollable flatulence and, besides performing that for which the medication was intended, it may also cause “drowsiness”, I would agree that “drowsiness” could then be considered a “side effect”. However, if what is referred to as a “side effect” is actually the designed and intentional effect of the medication I simply cannot agree with it being called a “side effect”. Had the label stated, “The intended effect of this medication is to put you to sleep, thus ingesting it may cause drowsiness” I would have had no problem with it at all and I then would have had to write this week’s Friday Ramble on an entirely different, and probably much more interesting subject.
The second “side effect” printed on the warning label read, “Alcohol may intensify this effect”. Feeling the need to reflect upon this statement further, I fixed myself a margarita and sat down to think about it.
The third, and final, “Warning” simply stated “Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery”. While it was very nice of whoever writes these things to add that final sentiment, it sounded too much like something my mother would say, so, just as I always did with what Mom told me, I completely disregarded it.