01/05/07
Once upon a time there was a family of three named the Bayers. They lived in a townhouse in a gated community called The Woods. Papa Bayer was a well known attorney who worked in the public defender’s office and who enjoyed his job, but was sometimes forced to defend some real animals. Mama Bayer was involved in local politics and was trying her hand at writing her first novel, which was titled, “The Gospel According to Oprah”. Fifteen year old Junior Bayer was a promising high school quarterback who hoped to play football at UCLA and then be drafted by Chicago in the NFL.
It just so happened that this particular once upon a time happened to be Papa Bayer’s birthday so they decided to go to the beach because they all knew how much he enjoyed walking through the sand in his Bayer feet. Before they could leave Papa Bayer made everyone take a potty break because he knew it was a long drive, and besides, that’s what Bayers do in The Woods. Then they all jumped into their highly prestigious SUV and headed for a day at the seashore.
It seems the Bayers had forgotten it was Thursday and that Thursday was cleaning day because shortly after they left their housekeeper/illegal alien, Consuelo Aurictresses, showed up at the front door. When no one answered her knocks Consuelo was pretty upset because she didn’t want to be late for her date that evening with her boyfriend, Manuel Moistbach, to go cruising for tacos in his low-rider. So she just let herself in using methods she had learned in prison.
Consuelo always liked to do the kitchen first so she went in and began clearing off the breakfast dishes. Suddenly she realized she was getting a little hungry so she checked out what the Bayers had had for their morning meal. Apparently Papa Bayer had Cream of Wheat, but it had been sitting there so long it was already cold and hard as a rock. Mama Bayer was very health conscious and had been reading a new book titled, “Self Inflicted Gastro-Intestinal Irrigation for Fun and Profit”. In chapter three, titled “Come On, Ice Cream”, Mama Bayer had read that chili peppers were the “In” thing for improving the digestive system, so she had dined on red, green and jalapeńo peppers for breakfast. Even though she hailed from south of some imaginary border, Consuelo had become so Americanized she couldn’t handle anything hotter than the “mild” sauce at Taco Bell, so she passed on the peppers because they were too hot. On Junior Bayer’s plate were two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza, so Consuelo nuked them in the microwave and they were just right.
Consuelo enjoyed listening to music while house cleaning so she went to see what kind of CD’s the Bayers had. The first ones she found were by AC/DC, Iron Maiden, and Megadeth. “Those must be Papa Bayer’s because they’re way too hard rock for me.” She thought. The next ones she came across were by Barry Manilow, Kenny G, and Michael Bolten. Consuelo hoped that such music didn’t belong to Junior Bayer because that could cast doubt on his sexual orientation. “Music that soft must be Mama Bayer’s,” she thought. “But, it’s way too soft for me”. Finally she came across a CD by some guy named Buffett and it was just right.
After finishing in the kitchen Consuelo started on the bathrooms. She was one of those people who like to snoop in other people’s medicine cabinets and since Mama and Papa Bayer had such a large master bath that they had separate sinks, they also had separate medicine cabinets. Papa Bayer’s medicine cabinet was a disappointment. It had the usual shaving paraphernalia and deodorant, but then a prescription bottle caught Consuelo’s eye. It contained some little blue pills that went by the name Viagra. Consuelo knew they were not for her, but going by that old adage “A Hard Man is Good to Find” she pocketed a couple of them for her date with Manuel. Mama Bayer’s medicine cabinet contained several prescription bottles. On the labels were the names Xanax, Valium, Nembutal and a host of others. “Wow,” Consuelo thought “Mama Bayer sure has her share of mother’s little helpers. I know she’s had psychiatric problems several times before, but if she’s not careful she’ll be headed for her nineteenth nervous breakdown.” While she wasn’t in the mood to soften her mind that much she did help herself to one or two of each for future reference. Junior Bayer’s medicine cabinet only had steroids and other performance enhancing drugs which Consuelo knew he took for his future sports career. Since she could already kick Manuel’s ass she didn’t need bigger muscles so she didn’t bother with them. However, while making Junior’s bed she stumbled across his bong which was hidden under his pillow. Since the bowl was only partially smoked she fired it up and, unlike a certain U.S. President, she did inhale. After a very short time she put on a Grateful Dead CD and lay down on Junior’s waterbed to relax.
Several hours later the Bayers returned from the beach all sandy and suntanned. Upon entering their house they could instantly tell someone had been there. The breakfast dishes were done and put away, the place had obviously been vacuumed, and the stereo was playing “Sugar Magnolia”. They ran upstairs to find their bathrooms had been cleaned, and, as I am sure you all expected, they eventually found Consuelo still snoozing in Junior’s bed.
It was only then the Bayers remembered it was Thursday and she was supposed to be there. Being the considerate type they decided to let Consuelo sleep. Junior took off to hang out with his friends at some club called The Manhole and took some of his Barry Manilow CD’s with him. Mama and Papa Bayer relaxed in the den and Papa opened a bottle of wine. Since Mama Bayer had already downed a few Xanax it only took her a couple of glasses of wine before she became very agreeable and was finally talked into trying the threesome Papa Bayer had been bugging her about for years. After all, it was his birthday. Since Junior’s weed was primo stuff Consuelo was still stoned when they proposed the group grope to her and was thus easily persuaded to become the trois in Papa Bayer’s ménage.
And they all lived happily ever after.