02/16/07
I have been told size doesn’t matter. And while I will not go into the circumstances surrounding all of the times I was told that, I will say the ladies involved were very kind in doing so. I mean, how small is “too small”? And for that matter, how big is “too big”? Isn’t size relative? And who cares what size your relatives are?
My point, if there really is one, is that our country (I mean the United States) is hung up on size. Once upon a time there were just three sizes. Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear. No, wait a minute, that’s a whole different Ramble. I meant to say small, medium and large. This was pre-supersizing. It was a simpler, less complicated time when life was a lot easier to understand. Men went to work to provide for their family, women stayed home where they belonged and kids were allowed to be kids until they were old enough to become juvenile delinquents. Then somebody decided we needed a size called “Extra Large”. Okay, that still didn’t make things all that tough. But then it got out of hand. Then all the other sizes had to get on the “extra” bandwagon. Soon we had “Extra Small” to deal with. I may be wrong (and I have three ex-wives who will attest that I am almost ALWAYS wrong), but if something is smaller than “Small” wouldn’t IT then be “Small” and what was once “Small” then be something else? Of course this led to the extra larges taking exception and requiring multiples of themselves. That’s how we ended up with 2XL, 3XL, 4XL, ad infinitum. And it’s a good thing we did, because even though I once only wore an XL T-shirt, now I find it necessary to purchase 2XL. I am sure this is because the sizes themselves have been adjusted downward, and has nothing whatsoever to do with MY size being adjusted upward.
Then the sizes began to be given different names in an effort to confuse us even more. And that tactic appears to be working. For instance, just walk into one of those pretentiously trendy coffee places that are found on every street corner and ask for a “small” coffee. It’s likely the acne ravaged graduate of the Mickey-D’s school of customer service behind the counter will give you an even more vacant stare than he usually would because they don’t have a size “small” in those establishments. If you ask for a “small” you will be given a 12 oz. “Tall” size cup. Let me re-state that. If you ask for “small” you will get “Tall”. The “Tall” is of course their “Medium” sized drink. To actually get the smallest size drink they have there you must ask for a “Short” by name to be served an 8 oz. “Small” cup of coffee. If you do not ask for a “Short” and mistakenly ask for a “Small” you will get a “Medium” sized “Tall”. Is that clear? Good, let’s move on. If, for some unknown reason, you might actually crave a “Large” sized cup of coffee you won’t be able to get one if you ask for a “Large”. You have to ask for “Grande” in order to get a “Large”. In the highly unlikely event you find yourself needing an amount of caffeine equal to that required to raise the dead all you have to do is say “Venti” and you will be served the “Largest” size cup of coffee offered in that establishment. Keep in mind it is NOT an “Extra Large” since they don’t have “Extra Large”, they only have “Venti”. “Venti” is Latin and can be loosely translated to mean, “We can make these idiots say anything we want just to get a cup of coffee”.
This got me to thinking (and we all know how dangerous that can be). Since our society is so hung up on size, and since there is actually a book of world records put out each year by a British company that brews incredibly bad tasting beer, there must be some things that claim to be the “World’s Largest…”. And it’s a good thing I found some, because if I hadn’t this Friday Ramble would end right here.
I am sure it will come as a surprise to very few of my readers that the United States claims to have almost all of the “World’s Largest…” things (including, apparently, egos). And I don’t just mean things like the “World’s Largest Building” (the Pentagon) or the “World’s Largest Canyon” (the Grand…not to be confused with “Grande”, which we all now know is “Large” but not the largest. Hmmmm…Does that mean the “Grand Canyon” should really be called the “Venti Canyon” because it is the largest?) In keeping with the direction our society seems destined to go, the crack Friday Ramble investigative news staff has uncovered a veritable plethora of completely superfluous items tagged as “World’s Largest”. And since that’s what this week’s Friday Ramble is really about, it’s about time we got started…(it only took me a page and a half to get to the beginning of the Ramble this week)
The “World’s Largest Alligator” ever built is in Christmas, Florida and is 200 ft. long.
The “World’s Largest Apple” is in Winchester, Virginia, but for some unknown reason the “World’s Largest Apple Basket” is in Frasysburg, Ohio. Sounds like bad planning to me.
Of course, the “World’s Largest Ball of Barb-Wire” couldn’t be anywhere else but Jackson, Wyoming, but there seems to be a dispute between Branson, Mo. and Cawker City, Ks. as to the claim of having the “World’s Largest Ball of Twine”. Either way, at least it can still be said the United States has the biggest balls in the world.
Thankfully, the “World’s Largest Baseball Bat” is near the “World’s Largest Baseball Glove” in Louisville, Ky. And now we know where they can go to get the “World’s Largest” balls to play with.
The “World’s Largest Beach Ball” is in Pensacola, Fl. (the US does have a thing about big balls, doesn’t it?)
The “World’s Largest Catfish” is in Troy, Alabama, but the “World’s Largest Frying Pan” is a long way off in Long Beach, Washington. Sadly, the “World’s Largest Egg” is in Montone, Indiana which is also not anywhere near the frying pan.
For a subject near and dear to The Rambling Man’s heart, the “World’s Largest Great Dane” is in Orlando, Fl. Maybe we should sic him on that mouse that lives there.
The “World’s Largest Hockey Stick” is located in Eveleth, Minnesota. Take THAT Canada. Ay?
I am sure it’s no surprise to any of my readers that the “World’s Largest Icosahedron” is located in Lexington, Massachusetts. That is, no doubt, why Mass. has long been know as the icosahedron state.
The “World’s Largest King Kong” is located in Beaver, Arkansas. Coincidentally, the “World’s Largest Beaver” is located in Mrs. Kong.
The “World’s Largest Lobster” is located in Islamorada, Florida. The Rambling Man has had the distinct pleasure of actually seeing this lobster. At the time The Rambling Man was considering creating the “World’s Largest Cup of Drawn Butter”.
The “World’s Largest Conch (pronounced Konk) Shell” is located in Key West, Florida. The Rambling Man has had the pleasure of gazing upon it, as well.
In what can only be referred to as another example of good old American creativity in names, the “World’s Largest Mule Shoe” is located in Muleshoe, Texas.
Just in case the Jolly Green Giant might want to go out on Halloween dressed as Groucho Marx, the “World’s Largest Fake Nose, Moustache and Glasses” is located in Michigan City, Indiana.
The “World’s Largest Clam” is located in Pismo Beach, California, but an even more specific “World’s Largest Squirting Clam” (believe me, folks, I couldn’t make that one up) is just up the coast in Long Beach, Washington. The Friday Ramble investigative research team has yet to discover the whereabouts of the “World’s Largest Bearded Clam”, but I am guessing it’s where ever The Rambling Man’s second ex-wife is living.
The “World’s Largest Pumpkin Pie” is a 287 pound desert in Circleville, Ohio, not coincidentally also the home of the “World’s Largest Pumpkin”. We are still looking for the “World’s Largest Container of Whipped Cream” to top it off.
The “World’s Largest Six-Pack of Beer” is located in Lacrosse, Wisconsin. Now all we need is the “World’s Largest Ice Chest” in Homely Squaw, Oklahoma and the “World’s Largest Pizza” in Pepperoniville, Arkansas and we have the makings of a party.
For some strange reason, Baltimore, Maryland is proud to be the home of the “World’s Largest Trash Can”. I wonder who has to drag it down to the curb on pick-up day?
In what can only be termed a case of true American redundancy, the “World’s Largest World” is located in Wellesley, Massachusetts.
For all those like The Rambling Man who could only master “Walking the Dog”, the “World’s Largest Yoyo” can be found in Chico, California.
Under construction at present is the “World’s Largest Croquet Mallet and Ball” located in East St. Louis, Illinois, directly across the river from downtown St. Louis, Missouri. You probably need to be from St. Louis to get that one.
And finally (okay, stop that applauding out there) The Rambling Man’s all-time favorite “World’s Largest”. Not only have I had the pleasure of seeing this monument to man’s overindulgence to size, but it is located in what I consider to be my hometown. As hard as it may be to believe, this “World’s Largest” actually has a fan club, and The Rambling Man is a life member. I am, of course, talking about the ultimate lingam, that pinnacle of phalluses, that considerably colossal commitment to condiments, the “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” in Collinsville, Illinois. I can remember one time, when I was in high school, a group of my friends and I set out to scale the ladder running to the top of the catsup bottle (yes, beer was involved). It was about halfway up that I found the true meaning of the word acrophobic.
Just in case any of my readers would wish to also become life members of the “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” fan club, or just read more about it, you can do so at www.catsupbottle.com
And so, to answer the question, “Does size really matter?” I would say it does, but only to those with very small (or should I say “Short”?) minds.