02/02/07
I’m constantly being asked two very important questions. The first is: “Rambling Man, do you know what the sexiest man in the world eats for breakfast?” And the second is: “Rambling Man, where do you come up with all those deeply meaningful and wonderfully educational topics for Friday Rambles?”
I always answer the first question the same way. “I have whole grain toast and black coffee.”
The answer to the second question varies depending on several factors. First, it depends on just how gullible I estimate the questioner to be. Second, it depends on how much time I have to weave a tale which will sound plausible no matter how outrageous. Third, (and most important of all) it depends on how much I have had to drink (and/or smoke) up to that particular moment. After taking assessment of these things I can then begin to conjure up a topic. Most writers I know describe it as the words just beginning to “flow” from their minds. In my case I think a more appropriate term would be “ooze”.
One of the all-time great bits of advice any writer gets is to, “Write what you know”. I completely agree with this, and judging from most of the topics of past Friday Rambles you can all tell I know a lot of crap. With that in mind I could form a sentence using both the words “crap” and “ooze”, but I won’t.
Thinking back (which is a lot easier for me than thinking forward) I have used many varied and unusual topics in my quest to have something to send out to my readers each week. And I want to reassure many of my readers (and probably disappoint others) that I have an almost inexhaustible supply of junk to write about. In fact, I have files full of topics about which I have yet to write. For instance;
I have already begun a future Ramble about the time I, and several of my friends, ended up needing bail money after a party game involving an albino gorilla costume, an ironing board used as a surfboard on a stairway, three unshorn sheep, an anatomically correct statue of Buddha, and 47 boxes of tangerine flavored Jell-O mixed with three gallons of Dipity-Do got out of hand. If any of you have figured out what I had to do to get out of that mess please don’t give it away to anyone else and spoil the thrill packed ending for them.
Then there was the time in the Taintstain, Oklahoma airport when I was involved in a case of mistaken identity. Try as I might, I could not convince the local populace that, while I could completely understand their mistake, I was not George Clooney. And so, I was not only forced to speak at the bi-monthly breakfast meeting of the Taintstain Chamber of Commerce, but also had to sleep with the town’s newly elected mayor, Anita Glasscock. Thankfully she bore a strong resemblance to Brad Pitt so it was not totally unpleasant. I just hope the real George Clooney never visits Taintstain, Oklahoma because he will probably be very confused by his name being on the statue of me which to this day stands in the Taintstain town square.
While, after a thorough cleansing, many of my adventures can be told, there are those which will never see the literary light of day. After all, I wouldn’t want to ruin my readers’ opinion of me.
For that reason you will never read the story about the time I was stranded on a deserted tropical island with 14 members of the Texas Bikini Team www.texasbikini.com/index.htm And how we were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive.
You will also never hear the tale of my being taken prisoner by an alien spacecraft inhabited by clones of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and the humiliating body cavity probes I was forced to endure. Fortunately for me I proved to be somewhat proficient at probing their body cavities and so was able to escape only after servicing the entire crew. Twice.
I am absolutely positive I will never relate to you the time my Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Arnold and I were exploring the Brazilian rainforest when we came upon a tribe of six foot tall, blonde haired, blue eyed Amazon women who were expert at agricultural endeavors, all of which involved the hemp plant. I will only say that their recipes for deep fried hemp, hemp wrapped in bacon, and chocolate covered hemp will someday make Uncle Snoop and me very rich men. In return for their kindness Uncle Snoop and I taught the Amazons how to create their own website where they could sell books and lots of other neat stuff over the internet. (think about it)
And even though it is a hilarious story filled with lots of twists, pounding excitement and an explosive climax, you will never read a Friday Ramble about my first sexual experience. Although I might, someday, write one about my first sexual experience when there was actually a member of my species present. We’ll just have to see.
So, dear readers, to answer the burning question “Where do you come up with all those deeply meaningful and wonderfully educational topics for Friday Rambles?” I will have to give you an unequivocal, “Hell, I don’t know!”