01/26/07
Ladies and gentlemen, The Rambling Man of the United States of America.
(Insert thunderous applause here as The Rambling Man makes his way to the podium)
My fellow (and fellowette) Americans, loyal fans, occasional readers, addicted Ramblophiles and those who, like me, can’t believe I am still getting away with this: Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the Friday Ramble. Not that it really matters, but I know those of you who have been with me over the years expect it, so here you go.
There are many issues before us this year, mainly because nobody bothered to take care of them last year. I know many of you want to know what I intend to do about the war in Iraq, social security, national healthcare, gasoline prices, bird flu and illegal immigrants. I want to make my intentions concerning all of these issues very clear. I intend to do absolutely nothing about any of them because that’s not my job. Those things are the responsibility of the head bonehead in Washington, D.C., so you can bet we will still be concerned with those same issues when we meet back here again a year from now.
It is, however, my job to point out the silliness and stupidity in the world. For instance;
It has come to my attention that Larry Flint, publisher of Hustler magazine, has offered one million dollars to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice if she will pose in the nude for a future magazine. While Ms. Rice denies any knowledge of such an offer, it has been verified that the White House subscription to Hustler has been renewed (just in case).
Another story which the crack Friday Ramble investigative staff is, appropriately enough, investigating is a report that the Army is once again considering lowering its eligibility standards for enlistment. Since, in an effort to increase the number of possible enlistees, the Army has had to resort to removing the “Group W” bench (for those with criminal records who are considered too immoral to have the Army teach them how to kill) from all enlistment offices, the only other alternative is to now start setting up recruiting stations disguised as Taco Bells with “Help Wanted” signs in the windows along the US and Mexican border.
I don’t know about my readers, but to me nothing says manly, sweaty, hard hitting, bone crunching, rip roaring, All-American football like the name Prince. Apparently to attract viewers of relatively questionable sexual orientation who never emotionally made it out of the 1980’s, the NFL will be presenting the artist formerly known as a symbol, who had such colorfully karaoke style hits as “Raspberry Beret” and “Purple Rain”, as the feature attraction of this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. We can only pray for the sake of the world as we know it that Prince doesn’t have a costume malfunction.
Another of my God-given responsibilities to my readers is to keep them up on the adventures of my Great Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Arnold. In the coming months of 2007 you will read about Uncle Snoop’s participation at the Last Supper, his spot on the “grassy knoll” one day in November of 1963, the navigational advice he gave to the captain of the Titanic, his part in the stock market crash of 1929, how the Spanish Inquisition couldn’t have happened without him, his original designs for the great pyramids of Egypt and how his picture ended up in the dictionary next to the definition for the term, “munchies”. I know from all the letters I receive that you love to hear the Uncle Snoop Dogg stories and he has promised to tell me more of them in the coming months (as long as I provide the Zig Zag papers, Doritos and Twinkies).
And so, dear readers, I say with utmost conviction that from the snow covered mountains of Threenipples, Oregon to the rice paddies of Toasted Scrotum, Massachusetts, from the frozen tundra of Four Hour Erection, North Dakota to the mosquito infested swamps of Moosecrotch, Alabama the state of the Friday Ramble is somewhat adequate. I promise you that you will continue to receive your money’s worth through the coming year, and I will re-state my guarantee that if, at any time, you are not 100% satisfied with the content of what I present to you on a weekly basis you will get double your money back (refund request must be accompanied by original receipt. In the event original receipt is not presented a coupon for even more Friday Rambles will be issued).