02/09/07
Do you read your horoscope? Every day? Once a week? Just on your birthday? Do you pay attention to what it tells you, or do you see it as “for entertainment purposes only” as the newspaper disclaimer is forced to declare just in case someone tries to sue the newspaper because their horoscope turned out to be inaccurate? Did you ever try to use (or were you ever approached with) the pick-up line, “What’s your sign?” Did it work? If so, why and what were the details? Do you know what it means when Mercury is in retrograde? Do you know what time it is when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars? And just how comfortable are you when you are told Pluto is in Uranus?
I, personally, have no problem with folks who swear by their horoscope. Some of my readers may even be among those who do. Who am I to say the alignment and gravitational pull of the planets don’t have an effect on our lives? I mean, if American Idol can have an effect on the lives of so many people why can’t the planets?
I do have a question, though. All the horoscope information I have ever seen was compiled by taking into consideration the relative positions of nine planets. However, it has been decided recently that Pluto is no longer in the planetary league with Venus and Saturn and the rest. How does having only eight planets affect everyone’s horoscope, and how drastic will the changes be?
Everyone I asked either shrugged their shoulders or gave me the same confused and frightened look I get from most women when I talk to them. So I decided to go to the one person I know who can be trusted to give an educated and logical answer to all of life’s questions, my Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Arnold.
Uncle Snoop Dogg told me he had been working on that very problem since the decision came down demoting Pluto to sub-planet classification. He also told me his findings have been very interesting in that just having eight planets to deal with gives a much more accurate horoscope reading. It also, he told me, gives a much more accurate and definitive perspective on a person’s personality traits. I asked him to give some examples, and since it was for my readers he was happy to do so.
So, dear readers, the following is a listing of the old zodiac signs and the new signs and their personality traits. I hope you find it to be accurate, because if you don’t I’m gonna tell Uncle Snoop Dogg on you.
First, the old sign…
March 21 to April 20…Aries
Then the new, Uncle Snoop Dogg version…
March 21 to April 20…Sasquatch…The spring means a time of renewal and rebirth, but the usually smelly Sasquatch sees no need to be reborn because they feel they got it right the first time. Those born under this sign are usually very short and uncontrollably flatulent.
The old…
April 21 to May 21…Taurus
The new…
April 21 to May 21…Dung Beetle…The typical Dung Beetle (or DB for short) has a patch of silky fur growing just above their prehensile tail. When angered the DB will turn the same color as a blue M&M and run away crying. The DB will only be nice to you if you kiss their ass, which is just below their prehensile tail.
The old…
May 22 to June 21…Gemini
The new…
May 22 to June 21…Kangaroo…The Kangaroo is the most likeable of the signs of the new zodiac, but that usually only lasts until they ask if they can watch you breast feed. It’s never a good idea to ask the Kangaroo what they are carrying in their pouch because it’s usually an illegal, controlled substance.
The old…
June 22 to July 22...Cancer
The new…
June 22 to July 22…Warts…This sign is a distant relative (by marriage) of the sign of the Toad. Warts are the stingiest sign of the new zodiac and are almost always constipated.
The old…
July 23 to August 22…Leo
The new…
July 23 to August 22…Ukulele…Those born under the sign of the Ukulele will string you along if you are not careful. They think they are hot stuff, but almost always have incredibly small and shriveled testicles. This also applies to the male Ukulele.
The old…
August 23 to September 23…Virgo
The new…
August 23 to September 23…Bologna…Those born under the sign of Bologna are always being mistaken for Julia Roberts. They take this as a compliment, but it is not meant as such. There has not been a Bologna born yet who was not illiterate.
The old…
September 24 to October 23…Libra
The new…
September 24 to October 23…Elvis…Those born under the sign of Elvis have an innate charisma and charm, but nobody ever sees it because they invariably have breath so bad it would knock a bulldog off a meat wagon. They also have a tendency to develop varicose veins in the crotch area late in life.
The old…
October 24 to November 22…Scorpio
The new…
October 24 to November 22…Doobie…Those born under the sign of the Doobie are the most beloved and respected in the entire zodiac. At the same time they are the handsomest, sexiest, strongest, most intelligent, best endowed, most humorous and best lovers of anyone you will meet. You would not know the Doobie has all these wonderful and desirable traits just by talking to one because of their incredible humility. They are also the zodiacal sign most capable of being the Commissioner of a fantasy football league.
The old…
November 23 to December 21…Sagittarius
The new…
November 23 to December 21…Recliner…The sign of the Recliner is by far the most obnoxious of all signs of the new zodiac. Every sexual deviant and pervert in the history of mankind has been born under the sign of the Recliner. This makes them ideal lovers if you can overlook their tendencies toward mass murder and leaving the toilet seat up.
The old…
December 22 to January 20…Capricorn
The new…
December 22 to January 20…Lava Lamp…Those born under the sign of the Lava Lamp can be as mysterious as they are persnickety. They seldom understand simple instructions and will expend more energy to get out of doing something than it would have taken to do it in the first place. This is, of course, why most Lava Lamps work for the government.
The old…
January 21 to February 19…Aquarius
The new…
January 21 to February 19…Scissors…Those born under the sign of Scissors have an innate fear of rock, but are fearless and unbeatable in the presence of paper. Because of the obvious danger involved, experienced marathon participants are not foolish enough to run with Scissors. Even with all this going for them they are not particularly sharp and there is no point to their existence.
The old…
February 20 to March 19…Pisces
The new…
February 20 to March 19…Stapler…It’s easy to become attached to one born under the sign of the Stapler, but beware because they will run out on you when you least expect it. Adroit musicians, Staplers are known for jamming and always seem to be at their best when they belong to someone else.
And so, dear readers, I think you will agree that Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg’s new interpretation of the zodiac is much more accurate than the old one. Since I was a Scorpio that now makes me a Doobie, and I am astonished at how right on and perfectly precise that description is of me. In-depth interpretations of your personality and predictions of your future, according to the new and improved Uncle Snoop Zodiac, can be obtained by sending a check for $427.39 (plus shipping and handling) to Great Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Arnold, OU812 E. Albatross Dr., Puckered Sphincter, Alabama 90210. And for those of you who have asked, I will tell you that Uncle Snoop has been working on a new, updated version of the Chinese zodiac as well. At one time he actually had it finished, but an hour later he felt the need to do it again.