08/17/07
As I am sure all of my readers are well aware, Albert Einstein, in his theoretically proposed assertion on the hypothetical validity of time travel, wrote, “Since time begins to slow down with higher speeds, it can be shown that at the speed of light it stops totally and beyond that begins to run backwards! Similarly, matter having contracted more and more, ultimately vanishes. But Beyond the speed of light it is difficult to imagine negative matter with infinite mass.” And, as I am sure you will understand, I completely concur. How can one possibly disagree with such a profoundly cogent rationale?
In The Rambling Man’s ongoing efforts to, not only bring my readers the finest Friday Ramble their money can buy, but to continue to carry on with the worthwhile work of such a great American as Dr. Einstein, I have recently undertaken a “Top Secret” mission in an effort to prove beyond a fragmented iota of a doubt that Al was right. There may be those skeptics among you who feel such an air of familiarity with not only one of the most esteemed and illustrious thinkers of modern times, but also with someone who has been dead for over 50 years, is a bit too much, even for The Rambling Man. Before you jump to such conclusions, dear readers, keep in mind the focus of the “Top Secret” mission I undertook last weekend. Oh, wait a minute; all of this traveling around in time has me a bit confused at the moment. You don’t know what the objective of my mission was, do you? I beg your pardon. Allow me to elucidate.
Last weekend I traveled through time and met with Dr. Albert Einstein. Not only that, but I also assisted him in formulating his theory of time travel by proving to him I had done so according to the very theory he was about to formulate. But, I digress.
The Rambling Man has been a big Albert Einstein fan ever since he found out Einstein never wore socks. He felt they were superfluous. So do I. Just another case of great minds thinking alike. I recently found myself in a discussion with myself on Einstein’s theory of time travel. I quite often have discussions with myself because if, by chance, it were to turn from a heated discussion into a full blown argument it doesn’t matter what is finally decided because there is no chance from the beginning that I will not come out the winner either way. Now, tell me that doesn’t make sense. Go ahead, I dare you. During this particular discussion I proved to myself that, since he died in 1955, the only way I was ever going to get to meet Dr. Einstein was to use his theory and travel back in time. I then validated the underlying principle (as well as my parking ticket) of the time travel supposition by discovering the best, and easiest, way to go about it. Try to stay with me now as I explain it. If you want to go back in time, all you have to do is go back to someplace you were a long time ago. It’s as simple as that.
Coincidental to my “Top Secret” mission was the fact I had been invited to attend yet another class reunion. I bet some of you didn’t think I had enough class to be invited to two class reunions, did you? You should all know by now that The Rambling Man likes to do things in multiples. It required attending 4 different colleges before he earned (?) his degree. He’s been married 3 times. And he attended 4 different elementary schools in order to complete the six year curriculum, the last elementary school being in Columbus, Ohio. The Rambling Man then went on to complete Jr. High School in only 3 years, but it did take 2 different Jr. Highs to do so. The year was 1964 and The Rambling Man was just about to finish his freshman year in high school when he was informed that, due to his father’s job being transferred, his family was going to have to say “Good-bye, Columbus” and “Hello, Collinsville”. Let’s now travel ahead in time to the year 2007 (try to imagine what 2007 sounded like in 1964). I had been in contact with a couple of my old classmates from grade school and jr. high via the internet, which would not have been possible back in 1964 because Al Gore had not yet invented the internet. As those of you who actually read this stuff I put out each Friday may remember, The Rambling Man attended the 40 year Collinsville high school class reunion of the class with which he graduated in 1967 only two weeks prior to last weekend. The class I would have graduated with, had I stayed in Columbus, also graduated in 1967 which meant they were going to have their 40 year high school class reunion, too. Is that an amazing coincidence, or what? I was invited to the Columbus reunion and even though it had been 43 years (we were all 14 or 15 years old) since I had seen any of the others I went to school with there I decided to attend, not only because I thought it would be fun to see some of my old friends from way back then, but I also decided to attend as an excuse to (are you ready for this?) “travel back to someplace I was a long time ago”. That’s right, I saw it as an opportunity to test my time travel theory and go back in time to meet Albert Einstein.
While packing for my trip I tried to decide exactly where in Columbus would be the best location for me to feel like it was “someplace I was a long time ago”. Of course the answer was obvious. My old elementary school would undoubtedly make me feel like it was “a long time ago”. Unfortunately, over the 46 years since I had attended Fairmoor Elementary School, someone decided to tear it down and build a nice new Fairmoor Elementary School. My plans were dashed before they even began. As I am sure you know, it’s not often when The Rambling Man is at a loss for words. I wasn’t going to be able to meet Albert Einstein after all, so I did the only thing I could do under such circumstances. I went to lunch.
Do you remember the first time you ate pizza? I do. It was after a jr. high school dance. I went with several of the people I had come to Columbus to see to a place called Rubino’s Pizzeria. It was a tiny little place, just a few booths and tables and even with just a few people there it seemed crowded. I left Rubino’s that first night knowing I had just experienced a gastronomic wonder. My mouth burned, not only from the fact I had forgotten to let the pizza cool before I took a bite, but from the spicy pepperoni that had completely covered the one I ate. I have eaten pizza in the four corners of the world and have traveled the seven seas in search of a pizza that even comes close to that dining experience at Rubino’s. I’ve never found anything to compare. Now, I know what you are thinking, dear reader. The Rambling Man has fantasized about that pizza for almost 45 years and in his dreams it got better all the time. Perhaps, but there was only one way to find out. Please realize, I held out very little hope that a tiny, family owned pizza parlor might still be in business after all this time. After all, in the drive I had taken around Columbus that day I discovered that the Esquire Theater, where I spent many a Sunday afternoon in my youth watching really bad monster movies, was now a drive-thru hamburger place. And the drug store next door to the Esquire, where all the kids went to stock up on cheap candy before we went into the theater, is a car wash. My heart grew heavy as I drove past the spot the Rexall Drug Store, where at the tender age of 11 I had hidden in the phone booth at the back of the store so I could read “girly magazines” and see naked breasts, only to find a Walgreen’s in it’s placed. They don’t even sell “girly magazines” at Walgreen’s, how are the young boys of today going to find out about female anatomy? Oh yeah, they have the internet.
I took a deep breath as I neared the spot where I knew Rubino’s had been when last I saw it, over 40 years ago. I dared to dream it might still be there, and to my heart’s delight it WAS. It was not only still there, but on the outside it hadn’t changed much at all. I anxiously parked and made my way to the front door. Stepping across the threshold of that door immediately sent me back to the first time I had done so, in 1962. The first thing I noticed was the aroma. It was the same. The exact same smell from 45 years ago greeted me like an old friend. I stopped and gazed at an amazing sight. The inside of Rubino’s was almost exactly the same as it had been when I was 14. The ovens, the refrigerators, the signs with the prices, the booths, and even the old pinball machine along the side wall were exactly the same. The only difference I could see was that the Formica topped tables and plastic covered chairs that were so fashionable in 1962 had been replaced with newer, wooden ones. Other than that, it was EXACTLY the way I had last seen it. I stood in awe at the comfortable familiarity of it. I made my way to a booth and sat down. Only then did I remember that I had done so out of old habit, because it was the same booth I had sat in 45 years ago. The arrival of the waitress to take my order pulled me out of my trance. Of course, there was only one possible thing I could order. A large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. I glanced up at the sign for the prices and noticed one other familiar thing. Rubino’s serves no deep dish, hand tossed, Brooklyn style, or “personal size” pizza. You get two choices. Small or Large. Period. There was no Hawaiian pizza listed. No meat lover’s pizza. No vegetarian pizza either. Just plain old-fashioned thin, crispy crust pizza. If you were so inclined you could order spaghetti, but I don’t know why you would when you could have pizza. Small pepperoni pizza, $6. Large pepperoni pizza, $9. Extra ingredients, $1. I sat, just taking it all in when it hit me. This was even better than the elementary school would have been to aide me in my time travel experiment. This was a place that not only reminded me of the past, it was still in the past. It had never made it out of the mid-60’s. It was perfect. I saw the waitress coming with my dinner, but I knew I had leave for a few moments. I stood and told her I would be right back. I had determined that if I went from 2007 back to 1964 by coming in the front door, I should be able to go even further back in time if I continue through the building and went out the back door. Walking briskly out the rear exit I found myself instantly transported back ten years, from 1964 to 1954. It had worked. I had traveled through time just by going back to someplace I had been a long time ago.
It took me a few days to make my way to Princeton University where I knew I would find Dr Einstein. He was a very open minded man, so it only took me a short time to convince him I was from the future and had traveled back through time just to meet him.
I spent the next few days getting to know one of the great men of history. He was actually pretty cool. He had a great sense of humor. He would do silly things like call men by women’s names and then laugh hysterically. For some unknown reason he had taken to calling me Betty. He thought it was funny but I can think of no reason why He loved his beer and liked the ladies, too. He was the epitome of the classic dirty old man. I know it’s said that size doesn’t matter, but I truly think he attracted women because he had a huge IQ. His mind was hung like horse, and every once in a while he’d take it out and wave it around the room. But, because of his fame he was a bit paranoid too. He told me he would like for me to watch over him so he would feel safe. Imagine, having Dr. Albert Einstein wanting me to play bodyguard for him. It was a dream come true. Over the next few days we became pals. He would show me how to solve two-foot-long equations, and I set about explaining to him how I was able to travel through time.
“So,” he said “do you feel it was something in the pepperoni that transported you through time?”
“No, Dr. Einstein,” I replied “let me put it as simply as I possibly can. If you want to go back in time, all you have to do is go back to someplace you were a long time ago.”
“That’s it?” he said.
“That’s it.” I replied.
“Well,” he said “that’s a relatively easy theory.”
“Relatively?” I said “Yeah, that’s it. It’s a THEORY of RELATIVELY easy understanding.”
“Relatively speaking” he told me. “and one more thing. I’ve been meaning to ask you to not be so formal. We are pals now and it isn’t necessary to call me Dr. Einstein. After all,” he continued “You have been my bodyguard and I was like your long lost pal. I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al. Call me Al.”
And that, dear readers, was how The Rambling Man came to be able to refer to Albert Einstein as Al.
Once I knew he comprehended the intricacies of time travel it was time for me to get back to 2007. I had a pizza waiting for me, and a class reunion to go to
When I made my way back to Rubino’s the time travel technique worked perfectly in reverse. I had spent several weeks with “Al” but by going in through the back door I had been able to return to the exact moment I had left. My pizza was waiting for me and I was so anxious to taste it I forgot, just like I did when I was a teenager, and took a huge bite of molten mozzarella. It didn’t matter. The pizza tasted exactly as it did so long ago. The place was exactly the same, and the feeling I had at that moment was exactly the same as it had been 45 years ago. I can’t explain it, but it was wonderful.
Not only did I eat the entire large pizza, which by the way was noticeably bigger than any large you’ll find at any of the chain pizza places we have to put up with now, but I also bought a Rubino’s ball cap and a Rubino’s T-shirt. Now whenever I wear them I’m reminded there is a place where I can go to escape this world and return to my youth, even if it’s only for the length of time it takes to eat a pizza.
The class reunion was terrific. I got to see guys I played basketball with in seventh grade, and girls I could still very easily have a “crush” on, just like I did when we were in school. I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend in Columbus. And, while the realization that so much had changed was a little depressing, the fact that some things haven’t changed, like good pizza and good friends, made it all worthwhile.
And there was one other thing that made the reunion very special for me. Even though I had not seen any of those people in over 40 years, not one of them called me Don.