08/24/07
Past inductees have been such notables as; The Well Hungarians, The Butthole Surfers, and The Strawberry Alarm Clock. There have been some that even The Rambling Man was hesitant to put in a Friday Ramble, but as you all know, whenever I find myself in such a dilemma I always ask myself, “What Would Great Uncle Snoop Dogg Do?”, and that always tells me to just go ahead and do it.
I am, as I am sure all of my regular readers know, talking about “The Rambling Man’s Favorite Band Names Hall of Fame”. Each year the crop of nominees grows. It seems like only yesterday that, not only did my troubles seem so far away, but a foursome by the name of The Beatles was inducted for using one word (Beat) to imply something else entirely (a beetle). Back then it was much easier to discern the good from the bad (not to mention the ugly). In my youth (yes, The Rambling Man really did have a youth, wasted though it was) band names were simple and had absolutely no double entendre to them. The Moonglows, Dion and the Belmonts, The Platters, The Four Tops, The Supremes, and Little Anthony and the Imperials were names that were usually derived to imply something good and postitive. For instance; Little Anthony’s backup singers were named for a classy and expensive car of that time, the Chrysler Imperial. Platters was another name for records (for all you youngsters out there, records were like large, black, plastic CD’s that you could actually wear out from over-playing, and being made of vinyl they were easily broken. An example of both instances was the time The Rambling Man’s father broke his almost worn out, due to over-playing, copy of The Monster Mash while his father was trying to read the evening newspaper). Dion’s group was named after a neighborhood street on which they all used to stand under streetlights and harmonize. Barry Gordy, the creator of something called Motown Records, named a three girl group The Supremes because he wanted them to be considered better than any others. It used to be as simple as that.
Then, in the 60’s (that’s the 1960’s, not the 1860’s as some of you may think) bands began coming up with names that could have two possible meanings. Gerry and the Pacemakers is a prime example. A Pacemaker was either someone who was out in front and set the pace, or a medical device needed by senior citizens who listened to bands like Gerry and the Pacemakers. The Quarrymen didn’t think their name was cool enough (and who can blame them), so since they were all fans of Buddy Holly and the Crickets they tried to come up with a name reminiscent of Crickets. The best they could do was The Beetles. The other three members of the band had no idea that the drummer was dyslexic, as well as a piss poor speller, or they would have never trusted him to paint the band’s name on the front of his bass drum, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Then it began to get more complicated. The Doors’ name was said to mean “The Doors of Perception” from the title of a book by Aldous Huxley. Pretty deep stuff for a rock & roll band. A band called Teen King and the Emergencies wanted a name that sounded more American, and at the time a group called The Byrds (another dyslexic drummer?) was very popular so they decided to call themselves The Eagles, and of course once they did they instantly faded into oblivion, never to be heard of again. Despite painstaking, in-depth personal research, I have no idea how The Doobie Brothers came up with a silly name like that for their band. There once was a singer whose name was David Jones, and since he didn’t want to be confused with the Davy Jones who was in a group called The Monkees (dyslexic spelling was rampant in those days) he changed his last name to Bowie. An illiterate by the name of Marshall Mathers wasn’t able to spell his favorite candy, M&M’s, so a friend spelled it out phonetically for him and came up with Eminem. Keep in mind that a full teaspoon is the average amount of ejaculate produced by a human male orgasm the next time you listen to a song by The Lovin Spoonful, because that’s how they came (pun fully intended) up with the name for the band. Apparently a teaspoon full of that same substance measured metrically equals 10cc, which is also the name of a band. Frank Zappa’s band was originally named The Mother F---kers, but their record label told them it would be a necessity to change it if they ever expected to get any of their music played on the radio. Zappa decided that since necessity is the mother of invention he’d just name the band The Mothers of Invention. Early in his career, Paul McCartney called himself Paul Ramone. The band The Ramones was named in his honor, and even though none of their names was really Ramone every member of the band used that last name. When reached for comment, David Lee Roth said he had no idea how the band Van Halen came up with their name. The Rambling Man has heard from reliable sources that two of the most popular brands of marijuana cigarette rolling papers are named Zig Zag and Top. I think you can take it from there.
This year’s candidates are even more obtuse while crossing that fine line between imagination and insanity.
In the category of “Best Use of Combined Words in a Band Name”, the nominees are; Assuck, Baldilocks, Alcoholocaust, Amputatoe, The Bassholes, GonoReagan, Guitarantula, Heterophobia, The Testostertones, Wafflebutt, Abbracadaver, Assachusetts, The Enormous Funbags, Donkeyfart, The BlewGenes, Joan of Arkansas, The Jackofficers, Monkeyspank, Wisconcentration. And the winner is: The Armadildoes.
In the category; “Best Band Name Using the Words “and the”, the nominees are; Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings, Big Dick and the Extenders, Ben Wa and the Blue Balls, Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers, Buddy What’s-his-name and the Other Guys, Dick Duck and the Dorks, Dirty Dick and the Trojan Test Pilots, Harry Palm and the Gym Towels, Jif and the Choosy Mothers, Toxic Shock and the Tampons, Vic Vacuum and the Attachments, Wonderbred and the Refined White Flour Children, Jim Jones and the Kool-Aid Kids, Shorty and the Disappointments. And the winner is: Uncle Daddy and the Family Secret.
In the category of “Band Names The Rambling Man Likes For No Other Reason Than He Just Thinks They’re Funny” the nominees are; Attila the Stockbroker, Barbara’s Bush, Alien Nymphos from Uranus, Cream of Whoop Ass Soup, Craven Morehead, Did Lee Squat?, Fudge Tunnel, Hugh Jorgan, God’s Girlfriend, The Nocturnal Emissions, Norman Bates and the Shower Heads, Rebel Without Applause, Cloaca Maxima (check your Latin dictionary for that one), The Hugh Beaumont Experience, John Denver’s Co-Pilot, Hung Like White Guys. And the winner is; The Cunning Little Runts.
So, there you have it, dear readers. Another year of gathering really funny names of really real bands has come to an end. Yes, folks, every band named in this Friday Ramble actually exists (or existed) somewhere over the past year. Watch your local listings for a venue near you where you too can listen to the likes of Cornelius and the Damn Dirty Apes, The Almighty Lumberjacks of Death, or Who the Hell Are These Guys?