04/06/07
This is the thrilling conclusion to the Friday Ramble begun last week. When last we saw The Rambling Man he had fallen asleep playing Xbox in his hotel room. Our story continues the next morning...
While waiting to be seated for breakfast the next morning it was easy to tell I was surrounded by extremely intelligent people. For instance, the lady who was standing in front of me in line turned to me and, without introducing herself or any hesitation whatsoever said, “Everyone needs to smile more. It takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 muscles to smile. God made it easier for us to smile for a reason. He wants us to do it more.” Who but someone with incredible intelligence would know something as insignificant as that and think anyone else would care? I then used 17 muscles to smile at her and said, “But, what if you want to lose weight? By using 43 muscles a person would burn 248.73% more calories than if they only used 17 muscles. For that reason, people who are frowning may just be trying to lose weight faster than if they would if they went around smiling all day.” At that she used 43 of her facial muscles and, thankfully, didn’t speak to me anymore.
The first speaker of the morning was to be a PhD who, as the program stated, “… will present a conceptual model of humor that incorporates emotional, cognitive, interpersonal, and behavioral aspects while exploring theoretical and empirical evidence for several psychological functions of humor and laughter, pointing to possible evolutionary origins such as the cognitive social benefits of humor induced positive emotion, the role of humor in coping with stress and emotion, and its use for interpersonal communication and influence”. Anyone who could write a sentence like that has to be very intelligent. Anyone who could understand a sentence like that has to be pretty weird.
After lunch the next speaker was a PhD by the name of Dr. Fine, which, of course, instantly brought to mind the phrase, “Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard” (I know some of you out there will get that one). Things seemed to be brightening up. Alas, it was not the Dr. Fine I was hoping for. Not even close. This particular Dr. Fine spoke for what seemed like days on how various cultures develop identities by the type of humor they enjoy. He spent a very long time telling a story about two guys in an office setting who thought they were humorous by threatening harm to a lady co-worker’s pet goldfish whose name was Oscar (the goldfish’s name was Oscar, not the lady co-worker). Even The Rambling Man knows that nowadays one has to be extremely careful in such a situation or one could very quickly be slapped with an ichthyological sexual harassment lawsuit. It was during this version of “The Neverending Story” that gentle snoring caught my attention. Turning to my right I found the gentleman seated next to me with his eyes closed, head back and mouth agape, sound asleep. I envied him. It was then I noticed the young man to my left was quickly and easily working TWO Rubic’s Cubes at the same time, one in each hand. These two were obviously as interested in Dr. Fine’s talk as I was. The fine Dr. (get it?) also intended to show a Powerpoint presentation on a huge screen at the front of the room. Amazingly enough, out of an entire room filled with over 200 people who have IQ’s in the astronomical range, not ONE of them could figure out how to work the computer so Dr. Fine could show his slides. I have no idea how much longer Dr. Fine continued because it was when he stated, “Laughter is merely a non-verbal expression of mirth. As mirth wells up inside, the pressure can be relieved by laughter.” I wasn’t too sure about “mirth” at that moment, but I did feel all the iced tea I’d had with lunch welling up inside. That’s when I decided to forego the rest of the good doctor’s talk and relieve the pressure, not by laughing, but by finding the nearest men’s room and melting some ice (if you know what I mean).
At the obligatory rubber chicken dinner banquet I consulted the schedule to see what was in store for the rest of the evening. Three more PhD’s speaking on such fascinating topics as “How Humor Changes Cognitions, and to What Extent this can Play a Role in the Economy of Third World Countries”. Another choice was, “Humor in our penitentiaries; or What’s so funny about death row?” And then there was my personal favorite, “Humor and Non-humor in the Right to Life Movement” (nothing funnier than a wacky abortion, eh?).
With those options in mind, it was a tough deciding how I was going to spend my evening. After a great deal of contemplation I made up my mind what I was going to do. I immediately went to my room, took the bottle of Jack Daniels I always carry with me out of my suitcase and poured myself a drink. A short time later I was enjoying a basketball game on TV when suddenly there came a rapping, as if someone gently tapping…Wait a minute, I used that one last week, didn’t I? Anyway, there was somebody knocking on the door of my hotel room. Since all the people I know were several hundred miles away my curiosity was piqued. In an effort to quell my curiosity I decided to go ahead and answer the knock. When I opened the door there stood three women with expectant expressions. I suddenly found myself hoping this was room service. One of them spoke,
“Are you Snoop Dogg Arnold?” she asked.
Thinking quickly I said, “Yes”
“Do you know how to play Trivial Pursuit?” she asked.
Wondering if it was a trick question I asked, “Why?”
“Because we need one more player and we wanted you to be him” she replied.
I didn’t even need to stop and wonder what Great Uncle Snoop Dogg would do in a situation like that. I got my drink and followed them down the hall. They led me to their room and once inside I discovered it was full of Mensans (I could tell because they all had their clown noses on, and all of the noses were red so I knew there were no Proctologists present). I also detected a familiar scent wafting in the air. Apparently this was a “smoking” room (if you know what I mean). “This might turn out to be a fun evening after all.” I thought.
Mensans take their Trivial Pursuit seriously. It is shameful for one of them to not get an answer right. That’s why no one missed a single question during the entire game. Fortunately I was given such questions as, “How many innings are in a baseball game”. In other words, I lucked out. Finally, it came down to the final question to determine the winner of the game. The question was, “How many muscles are used when a person smiles?” I couldn’t believe it. I looked around the group and could tell by the amazed looks on their faces that none of them knew the answer. Since the person who was supposed to answer the question could not do so it was open to anyone at the table. I cleared my throat and in a confident voice said, “Seventeen”. When it was determined I was correct they all became very quiet. I had bested an entire room full on Mensa members. And the sad thing about it is, Uncle Snoop Dogg will get the credit. But that’s okay. It’s the least I could do since he had made it possible for me to be there in the first place.
The next morning as I checked out of the hotel there was the usual hustle and bustle of a large group (in this case two large groups) trying to all get out at the same time. As I made my way through the lobby it felt as if everyone was watching me. Looking around I saw several people eyeing my departure with expressions of admiration on their faces. Apparently word had spread about my Trivial victory the night before. Two Mensa men came up and asked it they could shake my hand. One woman gave me a lingering hug and slipped her telephone number into my pocket. I tried to imagine how Uncle Snoop Dogg would handle such a situation since it was him to which they all thought they were paying homage. When I reached the door I stopped and turned back toward the crowded lobby and gave a short bow. A round of thunderous applause rang out as I made my exit and it continued until I was in my car.
All things considered it was an uneventful weekend. Uncle Snoop Dogg had gained the undying respect of a bunch of pocket-protector wearing nerds, and I had learned how many muscles it takes to frown and smile. And I did learn one other thing. After hanging out for an entire weekend with intelligent people I found I preferred being with my old friends. But, I never did find out what I had gone up there to find out in the first place. What the hell is a “Colloquium"???